


Sincerely, Me

by SincerelyGay



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Connor has a huge crush on evan but is full of angst, M/M, Suicide, Unrequited Love, implied suicide, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-10-22 20:26:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10704477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SincerelyGay/pseuds/SincerelyGay
Summary: There was more to Connor's death than Evan's note





	Sincerely, Me

**Author's Note:**

> This is essentially Connor's note that he wrote before his suicide, cause why should happiness exist? This is the first thing I've written like this in so long, so I'm sorry if it's shit.

Dear Evan Hansen,

 

You said you feel alone, that you don’t matter to anyone. You said no one would care if you disappeared tomorrow.

 

Why did you say that?

 

Every day. Every fucking god damn day.

 

Every day I’d come to school late just in the hopes that I wouldn’t have to see you walking in those doors. I’d skip stats so I couldn’t see you sitting in that seat three rows back, farthest to the left, hunched over with your head down so you wouldn’t get called on. I’d even fucking try and get detention every day so that I wouldn’t pass you in the hallways after the last bell.

 

I know they call you a freak but I never thought you were so fucking dense that you couldn’t see everything I wanted to give you. Even that asshole Kleinman gave me shit for it. I just wanted to make your world okay, to help you understand how fucking perfect you are. You’re so unbelievably fucking perfect that I couldn’t look at your face cause fuck, it made my heart beat a million miles a minute. Every time you spoke I could feel my face heat up so hot I thought it might catch on fire. I’d even just hear your fucking name and I’d feel butterflies in my stomach.

 

I’ve stayed up so many nights praying to a god I don’t believe in to stop these feelings. But then I’d start thinking of you and stay up the rest of the night getting off to thoughts of your smile. I always wished it was you doing it but when I opened my eyes my room was empty.

 

You make me want to get better. Thoughts of you push out all of the shit inside my head. You make my brain finally shut up. You’re the best drug I could ever want – the high I get from you is better than all that fucking therapy my damn parents could afford.

 

Then I saw that letter.

 

That god fucking damn piece of shit letter to my little fucking sister.

 

That letter just killed me. I knew you would never feel the same shit I feel about you. But the letter finalized that fact. It was that final dagger in my heart that made me want this. My parents don’t believe in me, my sister thinks I’m a monster, and everyone at school is afraid of me. I always hoped maybe you would feel different. But I know now that I pushed you away before I had any chance.

 

I love you, Evan Hansen. And now I know you’ll never love me too.

 

Sincerely,

~~Connor Murphy~~

Me


End file.
